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Pescadero, The Terrorist Capital of America By William Cate

Pescadero is a village on the Pacific Coast between Santa Cruz and Half Moon Bay. Our only industry is San Francisco Bay Area tourism. "Look Magazine" reports that our local restaurant has the best pie in America. Norm's bakery is justly well known in Central California for its Garlic-Herb Sourdough French Bread. Over the past twenty years there has been a population shift. Farmers have been replaced by Yuppies from Silicon Valley and University professors. Also, we have two leaders of the 1960's Berkeley Free Speech Movement, but they are no longer a threat to America. They are both administrators at major local universities.

There are three terrorist cells marauding our area. At least one of these cells has developed chemical weapons of mass destruction. The terrorists have used chemical weapons against innocent civilians. The groups are led by a terrorist that goes by the name de guerre "al Pooper." I'm told that in Arabic his name means, "friend of Osama".

We are not indifferent to the local terrorist threat. After 9/11, we contacted the Department of Defense and asked that they setup a concentration camp in our area. The Pentagon declined our request citing the probability that they might have to comply with the Bill of Rights and meet the legal requirement of "habeas corpus" if they built the needed facility. When we learned that the Department of Homeland Security was building concentration camps across America, we requested that they build one here. They declined on the grounds that the Government hadn't announced that the project were a series of concentration camps and they objected to the fact that we actually wanted to put some of our terrorists into their prisons.

Realizing the Government was no help and failing to get any media attention, we decided to solve our problem on our own. We developed a plan to deport the terrorists that we caught, without a Court review. The argument being that if the Federal Government held that the Courts were irrelevant, there was no reason we couldn't follow the Government Policy. We established a local militia called the "Pooper Troopers" They are defending our homes from terrorist attack. We are preparing a $6.74 million-dollar grant application to Homeland Security, so that we can upgrade our deportation service and expand the Pooper Troops. We expect to catch and deport al Pooper long before the Government catches Osama bin Laden.

You may think we have overreacted to the terrorist menace. However, our position is essentially the same as that of our Government. We realize the risk to American's future and we are willing to spend tax money to defeat it.

If you think the Pescadero terrorist threat is no greater than the actual threat facing America, you are right. I can save the Government the cost of a multimillion-dollar investigation into the Pescadero Peril. The terrorists are skunks, raccoons and coyotes. Al Pooper is a very large raccoon that tends to leave large scat pills on decks, porches and in gardens. The Pooper Troopers are three large dogs that keep the above visitors off my deck at night. We live-trap the varmints and use my 1985 Toyota to deport them to the Santa Cruz Mountains.

On 9/11, 2,752 innocent Americans needlessly died. However, 40,000 innocent Americans die every year in auto accidents and we do nothing about it. America's fear-driven response to Osama has put all of our Flag Airlines into Chapter 11. We are rapidly moving toward a Recession. Meanwhile al Queda has more than doubled its membership since 9/11. We are mired into a guerrilla war in Iraq and Afghanistan that neither the Republicans nor Democrats have a clue how to exit. In America, we've created the Department of Homeland Security. The Government wanted to call the Department the Department of Fatherland Security, until someone pointed out that Adolph Hitler had already copyrighted that name.

Why don't the citizens of Iraq and Afghanistan love America? It's an easy question to answer. Since the beginning of the Gulf War, we have murdered over one million innocent Iraqi civilians. Since 9/11, we have murdered at least 200,000 innocent Afghan civilians. The survivors have no honorable option, but to take up arms in the name of their slain wives, daughters, mothers and fathers. If the Middle East wants to return to the 7th Century, it isn't our job to force them to remain in the 21st Century.

Our fear has allowed us to destroy America. Today, the Government has awesome powers that ignore the Bill of Rights, the Courts, and common sense. Cut and run in the Middle East isn't a solution. The Big Government Democrats and the Republican Theocracy don't have a solution. It isn't "cut and run" or is it "stay the course."

What's needed is a political balance between the Executive and Legislative Branches of Government. If one Party controls the Executive Branch of Government, as is certain to happen until 2008, the other Party must control the Legislative Branch of Government. What would result is an honest congressional investigation into how we could have destroyed the foundation of American democracy so easily and quickly. It would also be wise to have a Congress with enough independents and third-party candidates to ensure that neither Party has unrestrained control of the Legislative Branch of Government.

For those of you who disagree with my sanity plea and want to live in fear, would you please have your Congressperson support the Pescadero Terrorist Grant Application. While we will increase the number of dogs in the Pooper Troopers and I'll donate my 1985 Toyota to the Cause, we will use the rest of the money to upgrade our schools, solve our winter flooding problem and improve the lives of the Americans who live here.

About the Author

He is the Managing Director of Beowulf Investments [http://home.earthlink.net/~beowulfinvestments/]. He's the Executive Director of the Global Village Investment Club [http://home.earthlink.net/~beowulfinvestments/globalvillageinvestmentclubwelcome/] He's a Venture Capital & Equity Finance Consultant [http://home.earthlink.net/~beowulfinvestments/williamcateventurecapitalampequityfinanceconsultant/]